Last week was a hard week. I struggled to get out of bed in the morning, to find focus during my day, and to stay motivated and positive about starting up this business. Fear and doubt were nibbling away at the edges of my consciousness. Why are you doing this? What do you think you will achieve? You are going to fail. This can not work. You don't know what you are doing. Small, meaningless thoughts, chipping away at my self esteem and bringing me closer to despair
Last week was a hard week. I struggled to get out of bed in the morning, to find focus during my day, and to stay motivated and positive about starting up this business. Fear and doubt were nibbling away at the edges of my consciousness. Why are you doing this? What do you think you will achieve? You are going to fail. This can not work. You don't know what you are doing. Small, meaningless thoughts, chipping away at my self esteem and bringing me closer to despair.
Of course there were highlights during the week. Coaching training with the Magnetic Hub leaders, the launch of the Hamilton 3 hub, meetings with incredible people. For some unknown reason, these highs didn't stick around, and I couldn't stay above the black mood that was following me around.
On Friday I spent the day redesigning our website (go ahead and check it out). Afterwards, I spent some time reflecting on why I had chosen to spend my day doing this. It wasn't necessary work, and it certainly wasn't revenue generating work, so why did I do it?
I believe the answer lies in my personality. Below is my personality 'pattern' from the Predictive Index.
There are two factors in the above pattern which explain why I was feeling the way I did last week, and why I chose to spend Friday re-designing the website.
D indicates how much formality I have in my personality. Anything right of the triangle is high, and anything left of it is low. So you'll see, I have a HIGH need for formality. This translates into different needs for different people but for me it means the following:
Working on the website provided me with a task that had very clear expectations, and certainty that I would achieve an output - something tangible that I could celebrate, tick a box and move on to another task. I understand the rules of website development, and I've become quite competent at using the Squarespace.com templates. I could show people the work that I've completed - sending the link to friends and family - and receive recognition for the work.
Most of my work right now is intangible. I'm creating a new product and as such I am working in a very strategic space. I have no rules or regulations to follow. This product doesn't exist. There is no certainty that the product will work - that's probably the most terrifying aspect of all and is very hard for my personality to cope with!
Last week also represented the second week that I have been fully focussed on the business, Magnetic Group, without any additional contract work. I have no one to work for but myself. I have no one to produce work for but myself. I have no one to set expectations for me, but myself. And, no one will provide me with recognition, but myself.
I thought I had made the transition from being a salaried worker to an entrepreneur engrossed in the start up world. But I haven't.
The reality is that I handed in the salary and permanent job, and traded it for steady contract work with a regular income each month. While the construct is slightly different, the expectations and outputs (and recognition!) were very similar.
This weekend I came to realise that I am still at the beginning of this journey. I have a lot of development and growth to do. It's hard, it's scary and I have a lot of doubt and fear.
In spite of this I am determined (another element of my personality) and I have a lot of love and support around me to do this. So I will continue, one foot in front of the other.
I'm Michelle, based in Hamilton, raising two boys, a ginger cat and many vegetables. I have been involved with the work of Magnetic Hub since March 2015 and consider it 'home' in many ways. Accustomed to leading female-only groups, I continue to be energised by the beautiful wisdom that unfolds from women in a room, talking together. Read my musings and learn about our work - newsletter sign-up below... Enjoy. Michelle x